Recently people have been coming out of the woodwork like crazy from my past!  I wonder if it is the apocalypse, or if it is just the power of the world wide web?  I choose to believe the latter.  I do wonder why certain people fall in and out of our lives for periods of time.  Is there a karmic connection here?  Are other people besides my mother having this same experience?

  I do miss being with people in person.  I would even settle for a phone conversation.  The internet is so convenient and there are many people I would not connect with if it didn't exist.  On the other hand it is too easy.  You play catch up via email or Facebook for a few emails and then there isn't much left to say, so then you fall out of touch again indefinitely.

  Do people ever just hang out anymore in real life?  I miss that.  There is a lot to be said for being in the physical presence of someone you care about.  We are losing that as a society and I find this fact scary.  I am still looking for the whole beam me up Scotty part of technology to come to fruition.  It will be oh so much more satisfying.  In the meantime, an email from an old friend still can make my week!

Great New Blog

My oldest childhood friend just told me her daughter has started her own blog. How inspirational! She puts me to shame. Check it out at www.wishdaisy.blogspot.com. I better get off my butt and start writing again. I have to say I have been nervous about writing about what is on my mind. I am again teaching in the public school system and I have a lot to say that I fear might get me fired or at least in trouble. What about free speech, I wonder? Should I worry? Is this an appropriate format for discussion about what is happening in public schools today? Perhaps I should begin an anonymous blog about that topic. Any thoughts out there?

Meanwhile, I am very grateful to have a job in this economy! I am am thankful for this home of mine, even if the security of it may be an illusion. The illusion is warm and cozy at the moment, so it is working for me. I am mostly thankful for my family and the joy they bring to my life everyday! I feel so supported by their love. Also, I feel utterly blessed to have so many wonderful friends in my life from coast to coast. I only wish I had more time to spend with them all! Finally, I am grateful to have art in my life. It helps to make me feel whole and engaged with the world, creatively, intellectually and spiritual. This is a great gift.

My daughter built her first "Build a Bear", yesterday, which is actually a cheetah. She was so excited to pick out rollerskates, clothes and a backpack for her cheetah, named Tofi. She keeps forgetting this creative name. She has asked me at least 4 times today, "Mama, what is her name again?" I made a recording with my voice saying, "Mommy loves you sooooo much! You are the best girl ever and Mommy and Daddy are sooooo very proud of you!" This morning when my daughter pressed Tofi's paw and played the recording, she said, "That makes me cry happy tears!" Ahhhh, what more could a mommy ask for! Blessings to all on this great holiday!

Quote of the Week

"Booboos are a part of life."
-My Wise Beyond her Five Years Daughter

The Chosen Road not Taken

So, it has been over a year now since my third miscarriage. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that I will never realize my chosen path. You remember Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken”. Well here it is to refresh your memory:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I studied this poem in high school and I remember interpreting it as Frost lamenting about choices in life and the difficulty of not being able to do everything we might want in this lifetime. I concluded that he was ultimately happy with the choice that he made, perhaps because he had the freedom to choose.

I have had great difficulty coming to terms with the loss I experienced with my last miscarriage. This has been in part due to the bitter pill that this event was not a choice. I was raised to believe that I had the power to create my own reality, but this is not my chosen reality.

I also have been raised to believe that everything happens for a reason and that even with pain, and perhaps especially with pain there are lessons to be learned and growth to be had. One of my favorite expressions is “Oh no, not another f----ing opportunity for growth (A..F.O.G.)!” So I have been working real hard to figure out what I am suppose to be learning here. I feel so powerless.

I think that I will always feel sad about the road not taken, but I am beginning to appreciate the road that I am on. I didn’t choose this path, but low and behold here I am and it ain’t so bad, and it surely could be worse.

Deductive Reasoning

I am 41 and a half. I just realized tonight, for the first time in my life, my half birthday came and went unnoticed. I have to say I feel a little gypped. Not that I ever celebrated my half birthday by cooking half a birthday cake or anything, but it was always acknowledged, at least by myself. Missing this nonevent seems very poignant now that my daughter is almost five and a half and the halves are very significant to her. She asked a few months back, “If you are five and a half, you are really just five, right?” “Yes dear.” “Then I can say I am five and a half, because I just turned five.” Ah the powers of deductive reasoning, I can see losing arguments with her in my future.

My Daughter's Quote of the Week

"My teacher says that we shouldn't kiss the boys, but just blow them."..... (Kisses that is)

Humanness

Rant for the Day: I don't know about you, but I am so very tired of hearing about politicians' sex lives! Why anyone would ever want to run for office is beyond me. Having all of your human flaws picked apart publicly has to be a worse form of self-inflicted torture than even hanging yourself by flesh penetrating hooks in trees (People do that, you know. CRAZY!). It is hard enough being a human and making mistakes the way humans do without having everyone in the world knowing about it and giving their opinions. In fact, it is our purpose in life to learn from our mistakes and therefore become better human beings. Why is anyone shocked to find out that politicians make mistakes too? Heaven forbid!